It’s coming, like a raging storm in the night. It’s creeping up on me and I ask myself where has time gone? A little frustrated, a little distraught, knowing in less than a week I’ll be another year older. Suddenly all my accomplishments or lack thereof, wave in my face like a flag on a windy day. I start to think about where I wanted to be by the time I got here, I start to think about where I’ve been, and where I might go.

 I think about how many times I’ve given my heart away only to get it back full of holes. I think about all the times I’ve wanted to run as fast as I could from this thing they call reality. I remember the times I decided to stand up for not only myself, but for people I care about. I think about every single person that has come into my life and every single person that has blown out of my life. I remember fighting as a child to find peace, fighting as a teenager to belong, and I remember when I finally was comfortable with me. I remember when I started to appreciate me, when I learned my boundaries.

I remember when I first experienced losing someone very close to my heart to this thing called death. I remember the pain I felt inside, and how many days I cried.

I know I have a long way to go, but I also know I’ve come so far. And even though I might stumble, I might fall, I will get scared, lonely, and vulnerable in this thing called life.  If I haven’t learned anything else in the years I’ve been on this planet. I have learned to stand, I’ve learned to love, I’ve learned to give. I’ve learned to be me.

Bring it on 32, I’m ready……..

Relaxation

Recently I was enjoying myself at the beach, and as the waves playfully chased me, my phone dropped out of my pocket. When I realized i dropped it, It was too late, the waves engulfed my entire phone. When I picked it up, it was dead.

As a result i didn’t have a phone for three days. As i waited anxiously for my new phone to come in the mail, i felt like i was literally going insane.

My phone was my one stop for everything, my music, my friends, the Internet, you name it. When i didn’t have my phone, I couldn’t tell what time it was because i used my phone for my clock. Something wouldn’t let me ask someone what the time was. Something inside was going insane because my phone was gone.

Like an addict missing it’s drug of choice, I was losing it. There was silence in my home, not because i wanted the silence and turned my phone off, but because there was no phone to turn off. No texts, No phone calls, No emails, no nothing. I used my phone for my hotspot , so no Internet when i was home. Nothing

It was as if the Universe was forcing me to see that i have become way to dependent on technology. I became irritable, i became sad, i became distraught. I was needy, I needed the fix of technology. I needed to hear someone’s voice, to text at lightning speed, to get my emails right away. I needed it. Didn’t I?

The answer to the question is no, because i ask myself, what did people do when there was no Internet? No cell phones? No texting?

Oh I know, they waited until they saw the person to talk to them. Or they wrote letters to eachother.  Or they didn’t talk at all, and it wasn’t a big deal. 

When did we as a society become so dependent on the newest thing. The next big thing. The “My phone is better than yours”, The children breaking texting bill records. The family sitting at a dinner table texting, not talking. Or the child that forgot how to play, because they have every game console known to man. Where did we go wrong? And at what point will it stop?

I’m sure the answer to that question is never. It will only get worse. I remember when I was younger I used to watch a show that was similar to the Twilight zone. And in this particular episode it was in the future, and these people lived in an apartment building, and they never met. Because everything they needed was in their apartments, it was advanced technology, they never needed to go out. Something glitched or it was a fire and they all had to help each other get out of the building. It was hard for them because they had literally cut themselves off from society. They almost died, because they had become that dependent on technology.

I don’t ever want to feel that way again,  I choose to stay connected with my source. To my higher power, and as much as I love my cell phone, I choose to live with it or live without it…… 

I woke up this morning, the sun peeking through my curtains. I rolled over and wanted to go back to sleep. As i dozed into another five minutes of slumber, i knew i needed to rise.

I stretched my legs and arms and let out a great howl. It’s Friday i said, I have to remember to look at the sky.

I checked the weather, awesome sunny skies. I opened my curtains and let the sun come in. I greeted this morning with a wide grin. It’s Friday I must remember to look at the sky.

I dragged myself to the shower, and the burst of hot water soothed my soul. I love to be clean, I have no time to lose. I turned on the news, it was my soundtrack as i get ready for my day.

I cooked my breakfast, and talked to the TV, it’s Friday, I must remember to look at the sky.

I ran to my bus, caught it just in time, on to the train, awesome there is no line. I caught my last bus, and on my journey to work, i stopped and looked at the sky. She greeted me with a hello and good morning. So clear, so blue, very little clouds. I stepped off my bus and walked to my job and i took a moment to stop and look up at the sky, and i exhaled and said “It’s Friday, I love to look up at the sky”.

Happy Friday Everyone:)

I would like to visit a remote island that hasn’t been touched. I would bask in the beauty, take in all of nature, and get my peace of mind back.

I have been thinking about this for quite some time now, the way a black woman and a black man relate to each other. The drama they go through, the pains they endure, with themselves and with each other. I’ve yet to put my finger on why we just can’t seem to get it together.

I have to say it’s quite depressing to see our black men and women go through what they go through. Is it because we as a people have struggled for far too long? Is it because half of us don’t have a good role model to go by?

Is the pain from our past generations so deep, we can’t move forward? I’m going to attempt to break it down, the way I see it.

When I was young I played with dolls and stuff like that, but I would also sneak in my brother’s room and play with their GI Joes, and their star wars figurines. I loved to play with my brothers and their friends. Climb trees, rip and run all over the neighborhood. One day my Grandmother pulled me to the side and said I am a little girl, and I have to start acting like one. So what does that mean? Start acting like a little girl? Does that mean dolls and tea parties and plan my future wedding? Learn how to cook and clean and be seen but don’t speak? Garbage all of it is garbage.

When I was in Junior high I had a boyfriend, and all my friends had boyfriends. Did we know what we were doing? No, But we were reaching for something.  I know we all remember this “Do you want to be with me”? Check Y or N.

I think that we go through several phases, and as we go through these phases we learn a little more about ourselves and what we want.

There are several types of Black Men and there are several types of black women.

There is the Professional Black Man, takes care of his business, The Thug, Married to the streets, The sensitive man, not afraid to show his feelings, The Player, has a different girl every day of the week, The Down-Low, can’t figure out what he wants, The Family man, will do anything for his family, The Dead-Beat, has enough kids to make a basketball team, but can’t take care of them. There are plenty more types but you get the gist.

There are also several different types of Black Women, The Professional Woman, Takes care of her business, The Drama Starter-Everywhere she goes, drama follows, The Hood chick- Ride or die for the streets, The Playerette- Has a different man for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and all the snacks in between. The Baby Maker- Has enough kids for a football team and can’t take care of them. There are many more types but you get it.

Within these types there is also certain personality types.

Loyal Type- No matter what, they will never stray

Unfaithful Type-No matter what, they can’t help but stray

On the Fence Type-If you push them far enough, they might stray

Married Type/Committed Type- Wants to grow with their partner and build on their relationship

Non-Married Type-Will never get married, can’t see themselves with one person

Undecided- Doesn’t know what they want

Sex Type-just wants sex, or a friend with benefits, nothing more

Within those types it seems that the Loyal run into the unfaithful, The Married Type run into the Non-Married Type, The Sex Type run into the Committed type Etc, Etc…. And

with that there is a flood of problems.

I sometimes wish that we all came with bubbles over our heads. The bubble describing where we are in our lives at the moment. For example, you see a man your attracted to, as you start to walk over, his bubble pops up and says “I am emotionally damaged, I will never be good in a relationship, I just want sex”  And you can turn around and walk away, or choose to stay, but you know what your getting yourself into. Same goes with women, You’re a man and you see a beautiful woman, you want to approach her, and her bubble pops up “ I am fiercely loyal, very sensitive and looking for a stable relationship”  You know exactly where she’s coming from. But I believe with bubbles there will still always be liars, so you will have the liars that would take advantage of those bubbles.

Black women have gone through being used, abused, disrespected, called every name in the book, left to care for children by themselves without a dime to their name, lied to, cheated on and the list goes one.

Black Men have gone through, being disrespected, lied to, called every low down dirty name in the book, denied the right to see their children, cheated on, arrested because a women is trying to get back at them, so they lie and say they were hit. Watch their child support money go to everything but their child. And that list goes on.

In essence there is a lot of distrust between us.

The black man is struggling to make something out of himself in this world. This world that still discriminates against him because of the color of his skin. The black woman is trying to make it in this world and she has two strikes, because she is not only black, but a woman.

When we come together does all that pain come out on each other? Is it unconscious?

I can truly say that the two couples I admire the most are Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith and Obama and Michelle. Because they are not perfect by far, but those men LOVE their black women, and you can see it in their eyes, and they aren’t afraid to say how they feel, and flirt with them, and love them. And those women LOVE their men, they are extremely supportive, they are strong women, and would do anything for them. They aren’t dependent, they are a team. They communicate with one another constantly, they laugh together, they pray together, they grow together.

I don’t know what will make us truly come together, and leave all the BS behind, because I tell you this, once we do, once we as Black Men and Women come together we are a force to be reckoned with. But I think that was the plan all along, keep us fighting with one another, keep us lying to each other, keep us heartbroken.

There is a great healing that needs to take place in our community.

I want to applaud all the Black Men and Women out there for truly coming together, I know it hasn’t been easy, but I applaud you for making it work, for growing with your partner.

I want to applaud the Black Women, that love her black men, even though she has been dogged out, left in the cold, she still loves her black men, supports them, and still gives her all.

I want to applaud the Black Men that love your black women, and even though you have gone through drama and all of the above, you still love your black women, and you show it.